Forgiveness

The first few years in high school after I came to this country, I did my best to avoid the possibility of speaking English. Nowadays when I watch television and movie with stories about prom nights and the fond memories of being a high schooler, I feel there was a part of me that I had missed out. I regret not stepping into my true power earlier. I regret hiding in the corner of a room simply because of my own insecurity.

In high school, I stayed really close to my own ethnic group. I felt comfortable speaking in my own language and I didn’t have to worry about being judged for not speaking English well. I had 2 very close friends, Grace, and Tracy, whom I hung out with at the time. We see each other at school every day, and we hung out after school at the Chinese club.

One day, we were talking and Grace told me that she had gone to Tracy’s house recently. When Tracy got up to go to the restroom, Grace shared that Tracy’s home was messy. She had things all over the place in her room but they had a good time. When Tracy came back, she asked what we were talking about… Grace didn’t say anything so I did. I bluntly told Tracy that Grace was telling me how she went to your home the other day and she noticed it was messy.

The following day when I came to school, I saw Tracy and Grace talking to each other down the hallway, but as I walk towards them they began to walk away. That whole week, they kept avoiding me in class. One day, I saw them talking to each other in class during recess time, I went up to them and I poped the question “Why are you guys avoiding me?” Tracy answered, “Because you said my room was messy.” I did my best to explain but never did we ever speak again.

I remember the last day I had this discussion with them. The look on their face looking at me as if I was the one who betrayed them. It felt hurt and misunderstood mixed with a bit of anger at the time. To my mind, I was thinking “Why are you blaming me? I wasn’t even invited to go to your house.” But it felt pointless to defend myself at that point because Tracy’s mind was made up of who was going to be her friend and who wasn’t.

I remember I kept replaying this day from high school in my mind every time I find myself in the middle of a conflict and I’m trying hard to please both sides. And no matter how hard I try, I will always end up making one person in the group upset. After years of playing the role of a people pleaser, I gave up! I gave up on trying to make people happy so they can be in my tribe. I gave up on trying to be superficial.

Later in my life, I often describe myself as someone who is very “Blunt” but the truth of the matter is being blunt is also my way of being authentic. I speak what is on my mind without having the need to feel I need to please to be liked. Having this realization, led me to replay the friendship I had with these two girls back in high school. And if every life experience that we go through is really about learning, then I would say that the lesson I had to learn was “Forgiveness”.

I am not asking for Tracy’s Forgiveness for the things I have said that sparks the shame inside of her. I am learning to forgive myself for having said the things I had said. Forgiveness is not something we do to make others feel better, forgiveness is an act of kindness to ourselves for all the bad experiences we refused to let go of. Forgiveness allows people to move on in life.

Warmly,

Michelle