Throughout my early adulthood and until this day, I have come across many rejections when it comes to a relationship. When I first enrolled in a coaching training program, it makes total sense to re-examine my own life. How satisfied am I in all aspects of my own life? Of course, in the area of relationships, whether it was social or intimate, I gave myself a lower grade of satisfaction than any other aspects of life. The fact that I am now forced to look at it and perhaps even have to come to a decision on what to do with the relationship aspect of my life is not an easy process.
For those of you who may know me, you would also know that I am an empath. An Empath is someone who has the ability and capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within their frame of reference. It is the ability to place oneself in another’s position. You may notice empath cries a lot and become emotional at the time for no good reason but simply as they enter the room, they pick up the emotions of someone else and felt it. Empath is the ones who cry during the movie, they are also the ones who connect and listen to people deeply. They have the ability to imagine themselves as another person through a sophisticated imaginative process.
I am an empath. I have grown to know how to handle these emotions that do not belong to me and differentiate them from my own by a tactic that I had come up. However, when it comes to a relationship, intimate or social, many times the fact that I am an empath had gotten me more hurt than usual.
No matter what type of relationship you are in, whether it is an intimate relationship, a friendship, or a working relationship, there may come to a time where staying in the relationship is not serving you well. It can be you or the other person; you or the organization you are working for; you or your spouse, having to come up with a decision and recognize that you are not in a place where you would like to be is the beginning of this dreadful experience we need to face.
It is my belief that it is important not to disappear from someone without letting them know or going through that tough conversation. From my experiences in the past, many people are afraid to say “No”, they are afraid to have that difficult and uncomfortable conversation; therefore, they simply avoid having to have the conversation in the first place. Having gone through many rejections from men in the past, and how they have disappeared on me without having a proper closure, I did not like that and therefore I have learned not to do the same on someone else.
Here’s what you need to know when it comes to needing to make a decision on ending a relationship (regardless of the types):
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What would you want or expect if you were that person? Be honest. Think about how you would like to be treated. Would you have done the same thing or handle the situation the same way if you were that person? Consider all the feelings and emotions you may be going through if you were in that position. Is it reasonable to feel this way? Can you see from the other person’s perspectives and why this might be important to them?
Sometimes things just happen. When ending is inevitable and the tough conversation is unavoidable, it is best to use the “I Statement”. Shifting the way you phrase issues in the relationship by using “I” instead of “You” can help diffuse the blaming that occur during these tough conversations.
“I felt ……., I couldn’t ……….; therefore, I need………”
We cannot change our circumstances, we cannot change the direction at which the wind would blow, but we can change ourselves. Expressing what you want by using the “I statement” takes the blaming off of everyone. Sometimes the situation you are in is simply not working for you but by expressing how “I” feel, we communicate our thoughts, our feelings to the other person so they can understand what we are going through this time.
Hurt is an inevitable part of ending a relationship. It takes two to play the game. No matter what type of relationship you are in, there needs to be a mutual ground where both parties contribute equally to maintaining the relationship. “Give, Get or when they get out of balance, how do you get out? In order word, how do you unstuck yourself from feeling that way?” is what I often tell my clients. The most important thing to remember is to prioritize your own health and wellbeing.
Putting yourself first. Is this what you want in this relationship? Is that ok with you? Is this acceptable for you? What do you want?
Ending a relationship is never easy. Before making a decision to end a relationship, always weigh the reason for walking away. Once you are sure, you should be honest without being cruel, be compassionate without giving the other person hope. Make your decision with a clear head and don’t make a decision while you are in the heat of the moment. Before you make that important decision, also take the time to get input from a trusted friend, friends or a coach who may have helpful insights into your relationship issues.
Letting go is not easy and often time it requires bravery. But After a few weeks, or a few months have passed, you will slowly start to enjoy your life again.